I was all shaky and confused and I kept repeating: "I am a bad bad person. Such a bad person" as she held my hand (or was it I who held hers?). Anyway. She wanted to know what was wrong with me. What I had done to believe "I was so bad". She went as far as to ask me: "Have you abused children? Killed someone (I said: "I killed insects (does it count?))? Threatened people with a gun and committed robbery?" I think it was provocative of her, she did not really believe I could have done these things(?) But gosh, that was the first time someone asked me such questions. Even my psych never went that far! "If I tell you, you will never want to talk to me again!" "Yes I will! You can't be a bad person."
I'm just in love with you I said. And she did not think it was bad. "You will never want to hold my hand again, now?" "I am still holding your hand because I'm your friend."
But she was more open-minded that night because she had drunk a bit (we were coming back from the pub). Because in the morning she looked very...abashed. And confused. So changed. People tell you things, promise you things, and the next day they change their minds. I felt betrayed. She wouldn't talk to me and look at me. I had caused such a mess. I had to go. And of course, as I was leaving we "reconciled". Such a pity to think I have to leave to be cared for again after I have made "a mistake". It's not the first time it has happened. People telling me: "I understand you, that's OK, no harm done." and then the next day their attitudes change dramatically. I can't trust anyone...Trust is dead in my heart...I'll be become a liar. Or will just shut my mouth. Because people I loved betrayed me. They said things and they lied.